My dream was always to be a stay at home mom. You could say I was so inspired by my own mother, who stayed home to raise us, worked from home when we were young, and finally went back to school and work when we were older. I loved the idea of spending time with my kids, giving them the best, the love and attention they needed and deserved. I wanted to teach them everything, every moment is a teachable moment, and I knew I could do that better than anyone else. We all have dreams, visions of what our life would look like one day. Sometimes those dreams become reality, and sometimes they end up a little different than we imagined.
When we had my daughter I was unable to stay home due to finances. (Doesn’t it always end up coming down to the money?) It was the most difficult thing I have had to do. I’m thankful that we didn’t have to put her in daycare because my husband could stay home with her, but it was gut wrenching and a tiny (ok maybe big) part of me was jealous and angry. As the weeks went by work kept me busy and I was thankful that time was passing quickly. But my heart ached when I missed her first babbles, her first smiles and laughs, her rolls and other milestones.
It was quite the feat to get used to working full time, then rushing home to feed my daughter right when I walked in the door. I would literally drop my purse, wash my hands, change my clothes, and sit down to feed her. After that I would start dinner and try to keep her entertained, then scarf down some food so I could put her to bed and pray that she falls asleep. With her colic, we would sleep a few hours at the most and then wake up and do it all over again. It would have been easier without the colic, that’s for sure!
It was hard to stay focused during the day, my mind would wander to my little one. Wondering what she was doing, thankful for the photos my husband would text. I would live for the weekends, when I would get to spend time soaking her up. One thing I’m thankful for are my amazing coworkers. They are some of the most understanding caring people and would always ask how baby was and how I was. It’s rare to find a work environment like that and I am thankful that I had the support I did.
My goal was (and still is) to end up at home. I do get the summers off from my 9-5 job and that time is so precious to me! I have come to realize that either way, staying at home or working outside the home, being a mom is a lot of work! It’s not all shopping sprees and days spent lying in the grass while our children play (as some imagine it to be). It’s running around like a crazy person while baby naps for that 30min to an hour. Trying to clean, get laundry done, dishes done, cooking, working on business stuff at home. It’s incredibly exhausting no matter which way you turn it. It’s funny because people who don’t have kids will ask me what I am up to these days. I don’t know how to respond. Every second of my day is taken up with something, but it all seems like nothing. I take care of my baby, my husband and my home, while squeezing in a few home businesses when I’m off from my regular 9-5 job. Is that all I do? Where does the time go? But then I remember, yes, that is ALL I do!!! It’s a lot! It may not seem like it to some but for a new mom, it is! I crawl into bed exhausted every day.
Moms are amazing. We truly are. All the things we juggle, the sacrifices we make for those we love, the different hats that we wear. Some days are filled with chores, lists of things to do, meetings or outings, and we feel accomplished at the end. Other days, we can’t name one thing that we have done that has mattered. It’s quite a delicate balance and it can easily be misinterpreted in our minds and hearts. It’s easy to feel isolated, easy to feel like your day didn’t matter, easy to get discouraged. And while we have to remember our little ones, we also have to remember ourselves. What do you need in order to feel fulfilled? Is it a hot shower without interruptions? Coffee with a friend? A meal that you don’t have to make? Time to read? Make sure you are allowing that into your schedule. It’s just as important to take care of your heart and mind, as it is your body. We make time to eat, to work out, or to sleep, so we need to make time for ourselves as well. I love being able to get outside and go on a walk or a hike, workout with a friend, or watch my drama filled shows. And while it’s hard to find the time, I make sure it happens. Not as often as I would like, but it helps keep my sanity.
So here’s the bottom line. Whether we work at home or work outside the home, and the difficulties are huge, it is so worth it. Every second of every day. Seeing that huge toothless grin, having her stumble into my arms and lay her head on my chest, playing hide and seek and hearing her squeals of delight, hearing her babbling to herself. It brings my heart unspeakable joy. So while the nights are so incredibly long, days are so short, and I don’t know how I can function on this little sleep, I’m trying to soak in every moment, every sound, every snuggle, because time is flying. Because this sweet tiny angel will soon be a big girl and these moments that seem like they are lasting forever will feel like a dream. So whether you are working AT home or OUTSIDE the home I applaud you. You, dear mom, are amazing!
Confessions of A Natural mama 